When I had cajoled you into boarding the train and told you we would be alright, I later realized my words were completely empty. My gestures were only an attempt to transfer all the strength I had to you so that you could face the moment, look forward to the life that was immediately going to present, and board the train that was going to take you away from me. And I don’t know if I could transfer any of my strength to you, but was left with none as the train left. The moment the glimpses of your face were totally hidden from me by the barriers that the train had in aplenty, I decided to move on. I actually started staggering and I realized that as I had walked around some 10 meter. I cannot tell you what it means for someone who walks the way I do – feeling in control all the times. I was in complete trance, I had no control, I had no strength. My eyes were moist and my throat was choking, and I just allowed myself to walk like that as I did not have it in me to struggle against myself. I realized I could’ve easily cried had I wanted to. My being in public was one reason I wouldn’t have allowed myself to cry. But there was something more: I knew if I were to cry, I would’ve felt better, and when I was drowned in your absence, feeling better did not make any sense. I sat on that square seating arrangement around the red and yellow-striped pole, and then a Belapur-bound train arrived. It was a bit crowded; it would’ve required me to struggle a bit to get in and stay in there. I had lost all the struggle in me to the moments that had taken you away from me. I did not board it. As I returned to sit on the same raised platform, I asked myself what was it that I was feeling? “Devastated” – that’s the word that came to my mind. I was not going to board the next Panvel-bound train as well, but I did board it. I don’t know if my empty words & the most sincere gestures helped you, but given how things between you and me stand, I’m feeling a bit guilty for the insincerity I had displayed. Or maybe I wasn’t really being insincere, those moments had so overwhelmed me and the pain you were feeling was so very unbearable, that I said whatever I felt could be best for you to hear. My inability to accept seeing you in pain had made me feel helpless, so desperate, even my narcissism that forces me to be honest and sincere (with you) was nowhere to be felt. Your eyes not too far from overflowing had totally made me insensitive to my own pain, or I was attempting to alleviate yours only because I did not have the courage to face my fears of imminent pain? And when I was walking back home, again your moist eyes came before mine, and again, I lost all my strength and dragged my feet in next few unsure steps. And I smiled to myself.