I have conveyed the existence of feeling of love/quasi-love (infatuation, for the mere lesser mortals) to human female subjects on eight occasions, of which two occasions have been just online. Mind you, all of those instances are not the same as pathetic whining of “I love you, so you must love me back in return, or else I will get mad and kill myself, your father and your neighbor’s cat in that order”-kind that passes off as ‘proposing love’. I am full of self-respect, so I don’t ask for favors, that too off a female, and that shows. No wonder, most of the aforementioned female subjects have concurred.
Being a human male, I believe I am a gift to the womankind, which anyway, all the males are. So obviously, I possess passable flirting skills, but which are unfortunately annulled by my fetish for honesty.
– 1 –
The girl – ‘G1′ and I are seated outside the college, looking straight ahead, which did not happen to be straight into each others’ eyes for the simple geometrical fact that we were seated on the same bench, with me contemplating our future ahead, and she… also, contemplating our future ahead, more precisely when could she muster sufficient audacity to ask me to go to hell (a.k.a. the boys’ hostel [for strange reasons that I am still unaware of, never called the “Gents’ hostel”]), and so she could, to her ladies’ hostel.
I: You see G1, we’ve known each other for so long…
G1: How long?
I: Like… 3 weeks?
I: Have you noticed how close we have grown?
She tentatively slides across the bench farther away from me by half a foot. So, now we are like two feet apart. She visually estimates the distance between us to ensure it is safe enough. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, they say. But kindly notice, the ‘heart’ is in singular.
I: …So, I think I have developed some feelings for you.
Now she shows greater interest, which she indicates by turning her head 5° to the left. Yes, I was also seated to her left.
I: Yeah, you know those special feelings…
G1: Don’t be nervous. It’s alright, tell me.
I: Nervous? I thought you would be nervous with my telling you this! I was planning to tell you for so long… But you know, na, G1, this is my first time. You’re getting what I mean to say? Please understand, you must have gone through all this many times before, right?
Now she looks at me, smiles and her cheeks turn red. Then, she lowers her gaze and asks me coyly…
G1: I think I can guess it…You mean to say, you love me, Ketan? Ketan, you really love me?
By now she is quite excited, blushing even harder and looking at me expectantly…
I: Well, sort of.
Okay, okay, I made it up… well, sort of. 😉 But, the next two accounts are for real. I promise! 😀
– 2 –
G2, the girl and I were standing outside the college building. Just a few minutes back, I had asked her to come to a ‘khopcha’ snatching her from the grip of her excessively sticky friends. She had in good humor excused her friends by saying, “excuse me, we are going on a date”. Now, that was the easy part. With her standing before me, I was at loss as to what to say. You know, that one thing you say, and the life would never be the same again between those two people. Any emotion felt, would be in its extremes thereon.
Let me first tell you what her response had been, and what happened following that. She had said, “Ketan, if at all I feel like marrying someday, it is only you I can think of at this stage in life”. She had said that without my asking what she felt about me. I was relieved, no great damage had been done. We had carried on for around 6 months, then owing to some bitter differences between us we had parted ways, but amicably so. Somehow, all my relations have been platonic and perhaps, that is why partings have been amicable.
Anyway, what I had told her was, hold your breath… “As of now there are three girls that I think of as my prospective life partners, and you’re one of them!”. And no, I am not lying. This is the 100% truth. Go figure!
– 3 –
This was during my internship. And I was infatuated (click) by my co-intern. She was about to leave for Mumbai in next 3-4 days for good. This was a stage when I had come out of a very emotionally wrecking break up just 5 months back. I had not at all been prepared to invest my emotions in anyone. So actually, my liking for this girl was pretty shallow. In fact, I did not fancy her companionship much.
So, in one of the night duties in the casualty department, we were seated across the table, and following is what I had told her. She had somewhat known about my breakup.
“Now that you’d be leaving in a few days, let me tell you something that is not very important, but I still wanted to tell you. If possible, forget it as soon as you hear, because it is just one of my silly impulses that I’m telling you this… that I have developed a crush on you, but it’s nothing serious as it’s mostly because of how you look!!!”
She was quite taken aback, but she had held onto her composure. So, she did not immediately appreciate how funny the situation was back then, but in retrospect I realize that was a very foolish thing to say, and for some people, even hurting. But I was carried away by my desire to convince her that my feelings were not serious at all. And of course, I was being honest in what I said. 🙂
Those were the three accounts I wanted to publish here. I consider myself lucky that these girls had borne my eccentricity with elan, and for which I will always remain grateful. My problem with how I deal with the feeling of love is that I cannot see it as some kind of game to be ‘won’ at all costs. I think of love in very idealistic/romantic terms. My belief is, if I am to any degree less than honest with the person to who I express my love, then firstly, I am myself not considering the self to be worthy of her love, and further if there is reciprocation of feelings, then it would be for the person I had pretended to be, rather than the person I would be. Many might find this ‘too’ idealistic. But I have one pragmatic reason also to be like that: even with greatest degree of honesty, people after settling in a relationship discover irritating/unsavory things about each other. But if two people are as honest as possible, then, at least they have an option of not entering the said relationship, and moreover, if they wish to enter it they know a few things they will have to put up with or compromise upon, and hence they could be mentally prepared. So, honesty at the early stage of or before a relationship begins is better for its longevity (assuming, that is one of the goals, which somehow it has been in my case). And conversely, a relationship built with concealment of significant traits of oneself is very apt to reach a state where unanticipated compromises would be involved, and both the partners would have to rather put up with each others’ company, than enjoy it. Of course, parting would be an option, but with that lot of emotional adjustments would have to be made. And lastly, not to mention, there is certain degree of comfort one feels on being honest – one does not have to be constantly pressured to remember which mask to done. 🙂
The purpose of above examples was not to portray my behavior as exemplary. In fact, I was going to just stop at the third account; this explanation was an afterthought.
Of course, the above analysis is largely my speculation, because fortunately, to whatever degree I have been in two relations (of which one was with G2 above), none of the persons involved have required to be very pretentious or overtly dishonest, so I have no personal experience to be sure that highest degree of honesty is the best policy to ‘kick-start’ a relationship.
Readers’ views are, of course, most welcome. 🙂