Please Board the Train!

When I had cajoled you into boarding the train and told you we would be alright, I later realized my words were completely empty. My gestures were only an attempt to transfer all the strength I had to you so that you could face the moment, look forward to the life that was immediately going to present, and board the train that was going to take you away from me. And I don’t know if I could transfer any of my strength to you, but was left with none as the train left. The moment the glimpses of your face were totally hidden from me by the barriers that the train had in aplenty, I decided to move on. I actually started staggering and I realized that as I had walked around some 10 meter. I cannot tell you what it means for someone who walks the way I do – feeling in control all the times. I was in complete trance, I had no control, I had no strength. My eyes were moist and my throat was choking, and I just allowed myself to walk like that as I did not have it in me to struggle against myself. I realized I could’ve easily cried had I wanted to. My being in public was one reason I wouldn’t have allowed myself to cry. But there was something more: I knew if I were to cry, I would’ve felt better, and when I was drowned in your absence, feeling better did not make any sense. I sat on that square seating arrangement around the red and yellow-striped pole, and then a Belapur-bound train arrived. It was a bit crowded; it would’ve required me to struggle a bit to get in and stay in there. I had lost all the struggle in me to the moments that had taken you away from me. I did not board it. As I returned to sit on the same raised platform, I asked myself what was it that I was feeling? “Devastated” – that’s the word that came to my mind. I was not going to board the next Panvel-bound train as well, but I did board it. I don’t know if my empty words & the most sincere gestures helped you, but given how things between you and me stand, I’m feeling a bit guilty for the insincerity I had displayed. Or maybe I wasn’t really being insincere, those moments had so overwhelmed me and the pain you were feeling was so very unbearable, that I said whatever I felt could be best for you to hear. My inability to accept seeing you in pain had made me feel helpless, so desperate, even my narcissism that forces me to be honest and sincere (with you) was nowhere to be felt. Your eyes not too far from overflowing had totally made me insensitive to my own pain, or I was attempting to alleviate yours only because I did not have the courage to face my fears of imminent pain? And when I was walking back home, again your moist eyes came before mine, and again, I lost all my strength and dragged my feet in next few unsure steps. And I smiled to myself. πŸ™‚

20 thoughts on “Please Board the Train!

      • She (who you know) and I don’t meet too frequently. This is after a month we were meeting and didn’t and don’t know when we’d be meeting next. This meeting had lasted a little under two hours. After that we were standing at the railway station and minutes before the train she was to board was to arrive, she was way too disturbed, on the verge of crying, just looking down and not looking me in the eye. I was totally overwhelmed by how much I could make out she loved me.

        I was also finding the pain (of her having to leave me) she was feeling too much for me to be able to withstand because *she* was feeling that pain. And that is why I was feeling so protective of her. And when we both heard the train arrive, without even looking in that direction, we’d felt exactly the same fear in the same moment – that we had to part. And as the train stopped, some ladies had started filling the ladies’ compartment, she’d still stood there in a sort of a trance – not leaving my hand, and I don’t even remember my exact (“empty”) words, but they were something like this: “Don’t be too sad, we would be alright. We would meet again. Now, please board the train!” And at that moment, absolutely without looking at me she had walked towards the train, and had stood by the pole at the ‘entrance’ of the compartment. And she and I had continued to look into each others’ eyes for as far as the side door did not come in the way (which was not too far – only about 15 meter).

        It is then I realized that though I was trying to reassure her and I was trying to tell her everything would be alright, I myself was much affected (“devastated”) by having to part from her. And I believe, now the post would make complete sense. I’m sorry if the post sounds too romantic or unbelievably melodramatic, but well, that is how things were. And she also told me her feelings were identical to mine after the parting. πŸ™‚

        I believe this reply answers Karishma as well as Saimukundhan’s questions. πŸ™‚

    • Karishma, I’ve explained it in my reply to Darshan. The major part of the meeting was in Veg Always, and I’d pointed out to her the table where you and I’d met. πŸ˜€

      • Ketan, don’t be sad. You’re going to meet soon, right? The guy I’ve fallen in love with is studying in another country! On another continent! Imagine that! How terrifyingly far away that is! And well, I am guessing I wont see him before next year.

        So well, a long-distance relationship is infinitely better than a long-long-long-long-distance relationship. πŸ˜€ Cheer up, main man!

        And Rohith always unearths the best poems for every occasion! πŸ™‚

  1. Is this post a reflection of what happened in the past? Or something that happened pretty recently? Or am I just thinking too much on a post which has nothing to do with personal experience, and is just an abstract one? Whatever it is, it it is a good read. And it makes me think of too many things. And that further makes me think of this post as more of an allegory.

    Would be eager to know its true meaning.


    • Saimukundhan,

      I’ve explained what this post is about in my reply to Darshan above. All this had happened a few hours before I’d posted this. I’d started typing this all out in a G-talk message to her while in the train that I’d boarded, and it was in three parts, and when I finished it, I’d decided, I’d blog it cuz I did not want to lose my writing. That’s one of the most spontaneous thing I’ve written, though whatever I express to her is anyway quite spontaneous. But this writing was like inspired. And, I was somehow thinking of emailing you after typing out this message to her. πŸ™‚

  2. “The course of true love never did run smooth!”

    Dear moonstruck friend,

    To think that you can write something as devastatingly romantic as this! But well, I can totally relate to this particular post. Reading “Please Board the Train” and Karishma’s “Hello, I Love You” within the space of 48 hours has filled me with a longing to ‘fall in love’…and more importantly ‘to be loved’… πŸ˜‰

    Cheer up and smile….in the meanwhile, let me, the self-proclaimed love-doctor, prescribe the same medicine that I administered to another ‘doctor-patient’ called Karishma, some while back —

    “A Valediction Forbidding Mourning” by John Donne.

    As virtuous men pass mildly away,
    And whisper to their souls to go,
    Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
    “The breath goes now,” and some say, “No,”

    So let us melt, and make no noise,
    No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;
    ‘Twere profanation of our joys
    To tell the laity our love.

    Moving of the earth brings harms and fears,
    Men reckon what it did and meant;
    But trepidation of the spheres,
    Though greater far, is innocent.

    Dull sublunary lovers’ love
    (Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
    Absence, because it doth remove
    Those things which elemented it.

    But we, by a love so much refined
    That our selves know not what it is,
    Inter-assured of the mind,
    Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.

    Our two souls therefore, which are one,
    Though I must go, endure not yet
    A breach, but an expansion.
    Like gold to airy thinness beat.

    If they be two, they are two so
    As stiff twin compasses are two:
    Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show
    To move, but doth, if the other do;

    And though it in the center sit,
    Yet when the other far doth roam,
    It leans, and hearkens after it,
    And grows erect, as that comes home.

    Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
    Like the other foot, obliquely run;
    Thy firmness makes my circle just,
    And makes me end where I begun.

    Take Care, my friend… πŸ™‚

  3. I guess you need to be emotionally intelligent. You probably have deep emotions and are driven by emotions. You need to control these emotions. Right now, it seems emotions are controlling you.

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