Your Laughter and My Wall

I had never told you before, but whenever you would be with me in public and you would laugh, your laughter would not completely register because I would not know what I would do with the amount of happiness I would feel to know YOU would have laughed. I start feeling very dishonest because I would always want to see and make you laugh, but when you actually would, I would have created some kind of wall between you and me. But, I would still keep on trying to make you laugh because it is sort of reflexive, and there is nothing else I would anyway be able to put my mind to.